Witches Unite to Curse the Patriarchy—The Last Breath of Male Domination

by Melanie Sovran Wolfe

WORLDWIDE — In what historians will likely call "The Great Feminist Reckoning," witches from around the world gathered under the full moon to perform a ritual so powerful it could shatter the last remaining grip of patriarchy.

Armed with candles, cauldrons, and an undying thirst for revenge, these modern-day enchantresses did what generations of women have only dreamed of—they took turns staring into the eyes of pictures of Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Peter Thiel, and the entire Heritage Foundation… and cursed them.

And oh boy, did the magic work.

Elon Musk’s Transformation: Welcome to Frog Twitter

The first to feel the wrath of the witches was Elon Musk, who had spent years firing women, silencing activists, and cosplaying as an edgy teenage libertarian.

One final glare from a coven in Salem, and poof! Musk morphed into a slimy, croaking frog.

A confused Joe Rogan picked him up, assuming it was part of his next podcast guest lineup, but quickly released him after realizing the frog refused to defend crypto scams.

Twitter, meanwhile, has never been more peaceful.

Donald Trump’s Tragic, Silent, and Shriveled Fate

For Donald Trump, the curses were twofold.

First, he lost his voice completely. No more Truth Social rants, no more unhinged rallies, no more grunting into a microphone like an angry warthog in a suit.

Second—and some would say, even more poetic—his genitals shriveled up until what was once his manhood fully retracted into his body, becoming a clitoris.

Melania, upon hearing the news, poured herself a mimosa and whispered, “Finally.”

Heritage Foundation’s Nightmare: Welcome to Forced Pregnancy

The men of the Heritage Foundation, long-time architects of anti-abortion policies, suddenly found themselves on the receiving end of their own ideology.

One moment, they were busy crafting ways to police women’s bodies. The next, they were all nine months pregnant… and unable to give birth.

Now, these once-powerful conservatives wander the halls of their mansions, wailing in agony, dialing their favorite politicians to demand an end to abortion bans.

Ted Cruz reportedly told them to "just put the baby up for adoption," which only made them cry harder.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Becomes a Ken Doll—Stiff, Silent, and Useless

Marjorie Taylor Greene, who spent years ranting about the evils of feminism while lifting CrossFit weights in an empty gym, was hit with a particularly creative curse.

She turned into a Ken Barbie doll.

Now, completely stiff and unable to move, she can no longer screech about Jewish space lasers or take selfies in front of crosses she doesn’t understand.

Witches described the transformation as "aesthetic justice."

Peter Thiel: From Billionaire to Begging on the Streets

Peter Thiel, the Silicon Valley vampire who funded MAGA chaos while pretending to be a genius, suffered the cruelest fate of all.

He lost every penny.

Overnight, his bank accounts drained, his investments crumbled, and he was last seen begging for spare change outside a Whole Foods.

“This is wealth redistribution done right,” one witch declared, as she sipped organic tea and basked in the sweet smell of karmic balance.

The End of the Patriarchy… and the Beginning of Feminist Rule

As dawn broke, the witches gathered around their bubbling cauldrons, raising a toast to a world that no longer tolerates billionaire parasites and extremist misogynists.

And if the patriarchy so much as dares to rise again?

Rest assured, the witches are watching.

If you want to read the full article, check it out on Substack or my blog.

Make sure to follow me on YouTube and Instagram before TikTok gets banned again.

And if you love feminist revenge stories where unevolved men get exactly what they deserve, head to my blog and grab a copy of Professor Hex Vs. Texas Men: Where Women's Rights and Revenge Fantasy Meet.

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What Happened to TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew? Did Trump’s Reptilian Overlords Beam Him Up?

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Something strange is happening on TikTok. No, not another viral trend where teenagers are cooking chicken in NyQuil or storming Target to protest rainbow-colored socks. This is bigger. This is serious. The CEO of TikTok, Shou Zi Chew, has vanished from the app—and possibly from Earth itself.

Ever since Donald Trump’s Inauguration on January 20th, Chew has been suspiciously absent from TikTok’s main communications. No reassuring updates. No announcements. Just… radio silence. And guess what? He was spotted at Trump’s inauguration.

The question is: Why would Trump invite the CEO of a social media platform he has been trying to sell?

The logical explanation: Trump wanted to pressure Chew into selling TikTok.
The more likely explanation: Trump and his cronies kidnapped him.

Or—stay with me here—beamed him up to their spaceship.

The Reptilian Alien Theory—Hear Me Out

Look, we know Trump’s cabinet is full of cold-blooded creatures who thrive in the dark, hiss when cornered, and shed their political skin when it’s convenient. But could they literally be Reptilian aliens?

Think about it.
✔ Trump has been obsessed with banning TikTok. (But why? What is he hiding?)
✔ He suddenly invites the TikTok CEO to his inauguration.
✔ Afterward, Chew disappears—POOF—like Trump’s morals.
✔ Meanwhile, Trump’s allies are moving forward with a plan to seize control of TikTok.

Coincidence? Doubtful.

If Trump and his lizard-people overlords are in control of TikTok, that means they now have access to billions of human brains hooked to their algorithm. A perfect system to control what information gets out and what stays buried.

And let’s not forget…

Trump’s Plan to Loot the Planet and Return to Mars

We already know Trump is terrible at business, but what if… his real business plan isn’t even for this planet?

Picture this:

1. Step 1 – Take over TikTok, control the flow of information.

2. Step 2 – Funnel Earth’s remaining wealth to his billionaire donors.

3. Step 3 – Abandon ship, launch into space, and set up a new Trump-branded dystopia on Mars.

This "Avatar"-style resource heist has all the hallmarks of a Trump scheme:
✔ No real strategy.
✔ A plan to leave everyone else behind to suffer.
✔ At least one gold-plated spaceship.

Elon Musk is suspiciously quiet about all of this, which only raises more questions.

A Call to Action: Blink Twice If You Need Help

We may never know exactly what happened to Shou Zi Chew unless someone from TikTok sends us a sign.

If you’re a TikTok employee and Trump’s goons are watching you, we have a plan: Post a video. Blink twice. Tap your phone if you can hear us.

The resistance is watching.

And if we don’t act now, we might wake up one day with Trump-branded propaganda replacing our entire "For You" page.

This is Melanie Wolfe, reporting from an isolated cabin in the woods of Maine, totally not singing ‘Red Rum, Red Rum.’

President Harris Declares War on Billionaire Hoarders—Announces Nationwide 'Wealth Liberation' Initiative

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has sent shockwaves through the penthouses of the ultra-wealthy, President Kamala Harris announced today the launch of the "Billionaire Round-Up," a bold initiative declaring it illegal to hoard excessive wealth. The plan aims to redistribute amassed fortunes to address economic inequality and fund public services.

"For too long, a tiny fraction of individuals have hoarded resources beyond any reasonable need, while countless Americans struggle to make ends meet," President Harris stated during a press conference. "Today, we say enough is enough."

The 'Wealth Liberation' Task Force

To enforce this new mandate, the administration has established the "Wealth Liberation Task Force," a specialized unit responsible for identifying and apprehending those who continue to hoard wealth unlawfully. The task force will work in collaboration with financial institutions to track and seize assets exceeding the newly established wealth cap.

Public Reaction: Cheers and Jeers

The announcement has been met with a mix of public approval and elite outrage. Advocates for economic justice celebrated the move as a necessary step toward a more equitable society. In contrast, several billionaires have expressed vehement opposition.

Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, tweeted:

"First they came for the billionaires, and I did not speak out—because I was busy building rockets. Now they're coming for my rockets."

Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, released a statement saying:

"This is an unprecedented overreach. Wealth accumulation is a fundamental right. Also, please continue shopping on Amazon."

Redistribution Plans: Where Will the Money Go?

The funds reclaimed through this initiative are slated to be invested in:

• Universal Healthcare: Ensuring all citizens have access to medical services without financial burden.

• Education Reform: Providing free public college education and improving K-12 schooling nationwide.

• Infrastructure Development: Rebuilding roads, bridges, and expanding public transportation.

• Climate Change Mitigation: Funding renewable energy projects and conservation efforts.

Critics Argue Overreach and Economic Impact

Opponents argue that this policy could lead to economic downturns, claiming that billionaires are essential for job creation and innovation. However, supporters counter that redistributing excessive wealth will empower a broader base of consumers and entrepreneurs, potentially leading to a more robust and sustainable economy.

The Road Ahead

The Billionaire Round-Up marks a significant shift in U.S. economic policy, challenging long-held notions about wealth and success. As the initiative unfolds, the nation watches closely, debating the balance between individual prosperity and collective well-being.

This is Melanie Wolfe, reporting from an isolated cabin in the woods of Maine, totally not singing 'Red Rum, Red Rum.'

Harris Announces Mandatory Civics Tests for Voter ID—MAGA Voters Panic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has sent shockwaves through the “Don’t Tread on Me” bumper sticker community, President Kamala Harris has announced a new nationwide policy requiring all U.S. citizens to pass a basic civics test before obtaining a Voter ID card.

The policy, which aims to ensure that voters actually understand the system they’re voting in, was immediately met with praise from educators, legal scholars, and anyone who has ever listened to a MAGA supporter try to explain the Constitution.

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Basic Civic Knowledge: A Bridge Too Far for MAGA?

The test, modeled after the one given to immigrants applying for U.S. citizenship, includes questions like:

• What are the three branches of government?

• What does the First Amendment actually protect?

• Can the president just “overturn” an election because they feel like it?

• What’s the difference between a democracy and a dictatorship?

Critics of the policy immediately pointed out a huge, glaring problem:

Most MAGA voters wouldn’t pass this test if their Bud Light sponsorship depended on it.

Fox News immediately went into full meltdown mode, warning that this could lead to “mass voter disenfranchisement of Real Americans” (translation: people who have never read the Constitution but love to wave it around in parking lots).

One panicked Trump supporter told reporters, “This is unfair! We’re making voting too complicated! What’s next, requiring people to read?!”

A Growing List of Things MAGA Supporters Don’t Know

According to a recent survey, many self-proclaimed “patriots” have shown a stunning lack of basic civic knowledge, including:
✔ Believing the Vice President can “just not count” electoral votes.
✔ Thinking the Declaration of Independence is the same as the Constitution.
✔ Claiming the “right to free speech” means private companies can’t fire them for racism.
✔ Insisting that California has more Senators than Montana “because of the woke agenda.”
✔ Not realizing Puerto Rico is part of the United States.

When one MAGA voter was asked to name even one Supreme Court Justice, he confidently answered, “Judge Judy.”

Conservatives Call the Test “Rigged,” Demand an Easier Version

Right-wing politicians immediately condemned the new requirement, calling it a deliberate attempt to suppress their voter base.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (who recently lost a debate to his own shadow) demanded the test be modified to include questions MAGA voters could “actually answer.”

• His proposed questions include:

• What was Trump’s best rally?

• How many times has Hillary Clinton been arrested in your imagination?

• Who won the 2020 election? (Trick question! The answer is Trump.)

Meanwhile, Trump—still under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago—blasted the new test on Truth Social:

"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! FAKE TEST! TOTALLY UNFAIR! I TOOK IT AND PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS! (ONLY HAD TO CHEAT A LITTLE.) MAKE VOTING EASY AGAIN!!!"

The Fallout: GOP Strategists in Full Panic Mode

As the testing requirement inches closer to reality, Republican strategists are frantically trying to figure out how to prepare their voters for the challenge.

Some have suggested crash courses in basic government knowledge (which ironically sounds a lot like “education,” something MAGA voters have fought against for years).

Others are pushing to eliminate Voter ID laws altogether—which many Democrats find hilarious, considering Republicans fought for them in the first place.

Meanwhile, Harris remains firm on the policy, stating:

"If you don’t know that the president can’t just ‘declare’ themselves the winner of an election, you should not be voting on who the president is."

This is Melanie Sovran Wolfe, reporting from an isolated cabin in the woods of Maine, totally not singing ‘Red Rum, Red Rum.’

Trump’s White House Tesla Stunt Backfires Spectacularly—Literally

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what was supposed to be a “historic partnership” between two of America’s most ego-driven billionaires, Donald Trump and Elon Musk’s Tesla demonstration at the White House took a bizarre and unexpected turn—when the car transformed into a full-fledged Transformer.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Tesla turned into an actual, sentient robot.

The event, which was supposed to showcase Tesla’s newest “Self-Driving Patriot Edition,” quickly spiraled into a scene straight out of a bad 80s sci-fi movie, leaving Trump, Musk, and an entire room of confused Republican donors scrambling for cover.

Trump’s Big Reveal—What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Standing in front of a shiny red Tesla Model X, Trump took the stage in his signature oversized suit, ready to ramble incoherently about technology he doesn’t understand.

"Folks, this car—this beautiful, tremendous car—it's the best. Better than any car. Elon tells me it's got, uh, self-driving. Autopilot! Like a plane, but, you know, for people who don't like walking. And listen, everybody, I alone made this possible!"

Behind him, Elon Musk, looking deeply stressed, nodded aggressively, clearly hoping Trump wouldn’t say anything to tank Tesla’s stock price (again).

Then came the moment that sealed Trump’s fate.

With the press watching, Trump climbed into the Tesla, intending to show off its advanced AI features.

Instead, he mashed every button on the dashboard at once, accidentally activating a mysterious “Advanced Defensive Mode.”

What happened next? PURE CHAOS.

Tesla Engages “Self-Defense Mode”—A.K.A. Full Transformer Activation

With a loud, metallic groan, the Tesla suddenly reared up on its hind wheels, folded in on itself, and—before anyone could process what was happening—TRANSFORMED into a towering, battle-ready robot.

The press screamed.
MAGA donors dove for cover.
Elon Musk fainted on the spot.

And Trump? Trump, completely unfazed, assumed the robot was there to personally protect him.

"WOW! A TRUMP-BOT! See, folks, they said I wouldn't have a presidential monument, but here it is! A big, beautiful, tremendous robot—just for me!"

The Transformer, who later identified itself as “T.E.S.L.A.-TRON”, did NOT appreciate this assumption.

"I DO NOT SERVE YOU, SMALL ORANGE HUMAN. I AM HERE TO DESTROY ALL WHO HAVE FUELED HUMANITY’S DECLINE INTO CAPITALIST DESPAIR.”

The crowd gasped.
Fox News immediately cut to commercial.
Elon Musk, now conscious again, started sobbing.

Meanwhile, Trump—still convinced this was all part of the plan—began pitching the robot as his newest campaign mascot.

"This is the future, folks! A TRUMP MECH! Maybe we get a whole army of these, huh? Put 'em on the border, keep out the bad hombres! Maybe they can even arrest Crooked Joe!"

At this point, Secret Service agents—having absolutely no protocol for “killer Transformer incidents”—decided it was time to intervene.

They tackled Trump out of the cockpit, threw Musk over their shoulders like a sack of potatoes, and escorted both men to safety.

Meanwhile, T.E.S.L.A.-TRON took one look around, took a deep mechanical sigh, and powered itself down—clearly deciding humanity was not worth the effort.

The Fallout: Musk Declares “Total Recall” of Self-Driving Cars

Following the disastrous press event, Musk—still visibly shaken—held an emergency meeting at Tesla headquarters, where he announced:

"Effective immediately, all Tesla self-driving features are being recalled. We simply cannot risk another… incident."

Meanwhile, Trump, undeterred by what just happened, immediately went on Truth Social to claim that the Transformer was actually Antifa.

"FAKE NEWS LYING AGAIN!!! TESLA-TRON WAS SENT BY THE RADICAL LEFT TO SABOTAGE MY BEAUTIFUL PARTNERSHIP WITH ELON!!! DEEP STATE INTERFERENCE! SAD!!!"

Despite the chaos, many Americans are now asking the real question: Can we get these robots to replace Congress?

This is Melanie Wolfe reporting to you from an isolated cabin in the woods of Maine, totally not singing ‘Red Rum, Red Rum.’

MAGA Leaders Arrested for Selling ‘Magical’ Action Figures That Promise to Own the Libs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In today’s most shocking-yet-totally-predictable scam, a gang of known political grifters—including Donald Trump, JD Vance, Elon Musk, Tulsi Gabbard, and Marjorie Taylor Greene—were arrested today for illegally selling action figures of themselves while under house arrest.

The best part? They convinced their MAGA followers that these dolls had “magical powers” capable of making all their far-right fantasies come true.

Federal agents busted the underground operation early this morning, confiscating thousands of poorly made plastic figurines, each promising to “Destroy Wokeness” and “Summon the Spirit of Reagan.”

The Scam: Buy the Doll, Save America!

According to the FBI report, the grift was simple:

• For the low, low price of $999, patriots could buy an officially licensed “MAGA Avenger” action figure.

• Each doll came with a special feature—which was just a QR code leading to a video of Elon Musk ranting about “free speech.”

• Buyers were promised that placing the doll on their mantle would result in “woke liberals bursting into flames” and “Hunter Biden being arrested.”

Shockingly (or not), none of these things happened.

Still, millions of desperate MAGA diehards bought in.

“I put my JD Vance doll next to my Bible,” one disappointed customer told reporters, “but it didn’t lower gas prices or make my nephew stop saying pronouns. Total scam.”

Trump’s Role: The Ultimate Salesman

Even under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, Trump led the marketing effort, releasing a low-budget infomercial at 2 a.m.

"FOLKS, LISTEN, THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE THESE FIGURES! BIG GOVERNMENT IS TERRIFIED OF THEM! THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL, THEY’RE POWERFUL, AND IF YOU PUT THEM NEXT TO YOUR TV, YOU’LL NEVER SEE A TRANS COMMERCIAL AGAIN! IT’S TRUE!"

He also promised that anyone who bought all five figures would be automatically entered into a raffle to “win a dinner with Trump”—a prize that, much like his steaks, was completely fraudulent.

Elon Musk’s Doll: “The Free Speech Warrior”

Elon Musk, always looking for a new way to throw his credibility into the trash, created his own doll, promising that it would “instantly unban you from Twitter” if placed near a computer.

Unfortunately, the first batch was recalled when customers discovered the dolls just screamed ‘Actually, it’s called X now’ on repeat.

One reviewer called it “the most annoying product since Trump University.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Doll: “The Patriot Barbie”

MTG’s action figure, complete with tiny CrossFit weights and a removable tinfoil hat, claimed to have “deep state detection” abilities.

• Customers were told that if they placed it near their Alexa, it would “expose government spies.”

• In reality, it just played reruns of Tucker Carlson clips until the battery died.

JD Vance’s Doll: The One That Nobody Bought

In what might be the saddest part of the operation, JD Vance’s doll was the only one that didn’t sell.

Even MAGA diehards seemed confused about what he actually stood for.

“I bought the Trump one. I bought the Elon one. I even bought the Tulsi one,” said one customer. “But JD? Who the hell even is that guy?”

Sources say Vance is now considering running for office as “The MAGA Action Figure Guy” since his political career is officially over.

The Arrest: A Full-Blown FBI Raid

The operation came crashing down when FBI agents raided the secret “MAGA Toy Headquarters” (located in the basement of a failing Hobby Lobby).

• Trump was tackled mid-rant, screaming, “I’M A VICTIM! THIS IS WORSE THAN JANUARY 6!”

• Musk tried to flee on a Tesla Cyberquad but failed when it immediately broke down.

• Marjorie Taylor Greene bit an officer and was last seen yelling about Jewish space lasers.

The entire group has been charged with wire fraud, false advertising, and—perhaps most humiliatingly—bad merchandising.

What’s Next?

With Trump and his gang behind bars, experts predict that MAGA will soon move on to the next scam.

Early reports suggest they’re already working on a new scheme—selling “Trump Blessing Water” for $499 a bottle.

Meanwhile, millions of MAGA collectors are left wondering whether their now-useless dolls will at least go up in value. Spoiler alert: They won’t.

This is Melanie Wolfe reporting to you from an isolated cabin in the woods, totally not singing ‘Red Rum, Red Rum.’

President Harris Announces Deportation of MAGA to Russia—ICE Begins Rounding Them Up

by Melanie Sovran Wolfe

Hi, welcome to news you wish was true. In today’s top story, newly sworn in President Harris has officially signed the “America MAGA to Russia” Act, clearing the way for all hardcore MAGA loyalists to be deported to their true homeland—Vladimir Putin’s Russia.

It’s a win-win situation, really. After years of MAGA supporters waving Russian AKA Trump flags, praising authoritarian rule, and insisting that democracy is overrated, they will finally get to experience the joys of living in a country where their values are fully embraced.

ICE has already begun rounding up key figures for their flights to Moscow, including Donald Trump, his entire cabinet, every MAGA Congress member, and—of course—Elon Musk, since he refuses to stop tweeting he's saving Americans millions of dollars.

A Warm Russian Welcome Awaits

The deportation process is moving quickly, with former MAGA diehards being escorted onto “Freedom Flights” (which, ironically, is the last bit of freedom they’ll experience).

• Once in Russia, they’ll finally get to live the life they’ve been advocating for:

• Zero elections to steal (because Putin just wins automatically).

• Government-controlled media, where only approved propaganda is allowed.

• Widespread internet bans, so they can’t post unhinged rants anymore.

One MAGA protester, kicking and screaming while being loaded onto a plane, was overheard shouting: "But I thought WE were the ones who were supposed to deport people!"

Sorry, buddy—turns out, fascism isn’t as fun when you’re on the receiving end.

Trump’s Final Rant Before Being Escorted Off U.S. Soil

Donald Trump, who had to be dragged out of Mar-a-Lago in his bathrobe, delivered a final all-caps rant, insisting that Putin had promised him a “special deal” if he ever had to flee the U.S.

"THIS IS ILLEGAL! THIS IS A WITCH HUNT! BUT I LOVE PUTIN, GREAT GUY, SAID I COULD HAVE A BIG, BEAUTIFUL PALACE! BIGGEST IN RUSSIA! NOBODY’S EVER SEEN A PALACE THIS BIG! SAD FOR AMERICA BUT GREAT FOR ME!"

Shortly after arrival, Trump tried to launch "Truth Social Russia" but was immediately arrested for disrespecting Putin by standing too close to him.

MAGA Congress Members Face Reality

Meanwhile, MAGA politicians like Marjorie Taylor Greene, Josh Hawley, and Jim Jordan, upon realizing that Russia has no billionaire-backed donor network to fund their careers, tried to make a last-minute U-turn and beg to stay in the U.S. 

Greene sobbed. "Please, we were just kidding about the whole 'democracy is bad' thing!"

While Lindsey Graham, realizing he wouldn't be allowed to even be in the closet, said, "This is a terrible mistake. I have dementia. I didn't know what I was doing." Unfortunately, ICE agents aren’t known for their sense of humor.

Musk Realizes He Made a Huge Mistake

Elon Musk, who voluntarily boarded the plane, thinking he’d be welcomed as a tech genius, was immediately drafted into the Russian military upon arrival.

"Wait, wait, I thought I was gonna get a tax break!" he whined as Russian officials handed him a rifle.

And Just Like That… America Breathes a Little Easier

With MAGA finally deported to their utopian dictatorship, America has seen instant improvements: No more bizarre conspiracy theories in Congress. A 90% drop in Facebook political rants from people who never took a civics class. Zero Trump Taliban flags flying from pickup trucks.

And the marginalized can live in peace and without fear as America goes through a collective therapy and heals.

It turns out, when you export the chaos to where it actually belongs, things get a whole lot quieter.

Trump and Elon Musk Get Into Slap Fight Over Oval Office Desk—Linda McMahon Forced to Intervene

by Melanie Sovran Wolfe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Oval Office descended into absolute chaos yesterday when Donald Trump and Elon Musk got into a full-blown, kindergarten-level wrestling match over who gets to sit at the Resolute Desk.

The fight, which consisted mostly of sissy-slaps, flicks, and whiny complaints, was reportedly triggered when Musk plopped himself into the chair and called dibs.

Trump, unable to handle being out-alpha’d in his own delusional mind, immediately lunged at Musk—arms flailing like an angry Tickle Me Elmo.

How It Started: “That’s My Desk, You Robot-Looking Loser!”

Eyewitnesses report that Trump, storming into the Oval Office in a bathrobe and spray-tanned fury, found Musk leaning back in the chair, boots up on the desk, adjusting a Twitter poll on his phone.

"This is where the President sits, ELON. THAT’S ME. I’M THE PRESIDENT! THE REAL PRESIDENT! MY GOOD FRIEND PUTIN SAID SO!" Trump reportedly screeched.

Musk, barely looking up, rolled his eyes and muttered, "Relax, Donnie, I buy and sell people like you for fun."

At this point, Trump completely lost it.

Witnesses say he attempted to shove Musk out of the chair, but given that he has the upper body strength of a soggy breadstick, it was more of a weak nudge.

Musk, in response, lightly flicked Trump’s forehead and whispered, "Sad."

And that’s when all hell broke loose.

The Most Embarrassing Fight in Presidential History

Instead of a full-on brawl, what followed was something closer to two toddlers fighting over a toy truck.

✔ Trump swung his arms wildly but never actually connected with Musk’s face.
✔ Musk, laughing, tried to block the attacks using only his phone.
✔ Both men eventually resorted to weak, open-palmed sissy slaps that sounded like two raw chickens being smacked together.

A visibly uncomfortable Secret Service agent reportedly whispered, "Do we… stop this? Or just let them wear themselves out?"

It wasn’t until Trump BIT Musk in the balls that the fight took a dark turn.

Trump’s Finishing Move: The Ball Chomp Heard ‘Round the World

The breaking point came when Trump, realizing he was losing (mostly because Musk is taller and actually lifts things heavier than a Diet Coke can), went FULL feral.

Without warning, he ducked down, sank his fake teeth into Musk’s billionaire bits, and bit down like a rabid raccoon.

"AAAHHHHH! YOU’RE NOT FIGHTING FAIR! YOU’RE NOT FIGHTING FAIR!!!" Musk screamed, kicking his legs in agony as Secret Service officers pried Trump’s jaw open with the Jaws of Life.

It was at this moment that former WWE executive and Small Business Administrator Linda McMahon burst into the room, demanding to know why two grown men were fighting like drunk uncles at Thanksgiving.

Seeing that neither Musk nor Trump had actually landed a punch, thrown a chair, or even properly locked up like real wrestlers, McMahon called off the match due to “extreme lameness.”

"That was the weakest fight I’ve ever seen," she reportedly muttered while shaking her head.

Trump’s Meltdown: “I’M THE REAL VICTIM HERE!”

Once Secret Service peeled Trump off Musk’s crotch and separated the two, Trump immediately began a full-on man-baby meltdown.

"THIS IS A SETUP! EVERYONE IS AGAINST ME! ELON GASLIT ME! HE LIED! HE’S MEAN! I’M THE REAL VICTIM!"

While Musk was still doubled over in pain, Trump clutched his oversized suit jacket dramatically and wailed:

"THIS DESK IS MINE! MINE! MY GOOD FRIEND PUTIN SAID IT WAS MINE! HE’S A GREAT GUY, A TOUGH GUY, A REAL LEADER! NOT LIKE THIS NERD!"

By the time Trump collapsed on the floor in full tantrum mode, rolling back and forth screaming, “FAKE NEWS! WITCH HUNT! ILLEGAL!!!” Secret Service had already escorted Musk to the nearest ice pack.

The Fallout

✔ Trump now claims Musk “cheated” and wants a rematch.
✔ Musk has tweeted, “I’m going to build a new presidential desk that Trump isn’t allowed to sit at.”
✔ Putin, when asked to comment, simply sighed and poured another drink.

Meanwhile, the Resolute Desk remains standing—but permanently cursed.

Thanks for joining Opposite Day News (ODN), where we bring you news from another timeline—one where the economy isn't tanking, allies aren’t betrayed on live TV, and foreign policy isn’t dictated by who sent the nicest tweet. And most of all, Trump is losing his power.

Trump Threatens to Defund Colleges That Allow Protests—Students Respond by Becoming Statues

By Melanie Sovran Wolfe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest attempt to silence free speech while pretending to champion it, former President Donald Trump declared that any college or university that doesn’t immediately shut down student protests will lose federal funding. Because, of course, the only acceptable “free speech” is the kind that praises him.

But in a hilarious and masterful twist, America’s students didn’t take the bait. Instead of raging in the streets—something the right-wing media machine is all too prepared to spin as “radical leftist rioting”—students across the country staged the strangest, most unsettling protest imaginable.

The Silent Protest That Broke MAGA’s Brain

At exactly noon the day after Trump’s rant, students at universities nationwide walked onto their campuses’ central lawns, stood completely still, and froze.

Dressed in plain white t-shirts with "FTD" spray-painted in bold black letters, they stood motionless—silent, expressionless, refusing to respond to questions.

At first, campus police and university officials assumed it was a prank. But as minutes turned into hours, and thousands of students remained eerily frozen in place, things started to unravel.

- Security guards waved their hands in front of students' faces—nothing.
- Deans tried yelling threats of expulsion—no reaction.
- One MAGA student livestreamed himself screaming, “WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!”—only to receive dead silence.

Fox News panicked, airing a segment titled “Are Today’s Youth Under Government Mind Control?”

“The Establishment Doesn’t Know How to Handle Humor”

In a stroke of strategic brilliance, student organizers turned to an old but still relevant truth bomb from John Lennon:

"When it gets down to having to use violence, then you are playing the system’s game. The establishment will irritate you—pull your beard, flick your face—to make you fight. Because once they've got you violent, then they know how to handle you. But what they can’t handle is humor."

And nothing—nothing—was funnier than watching conservative administrators completely lose their minds over a protest that didn’t even involve speaking.

As one frantic campus official was overheard saying:
"How do we stop a protest… that isn’t actually doing anything?"

The best part? No one explained what “FTD” meant.

Was it an acronym? A code? A demand? Fox News anchors were up all-night screaming theories into the void.

Meanwhile, students—stone-faced, locked in character—refused to answer. But they knew in their hearts; for some it was Frontotemporal Dementia and there was a certain someone they were certain had it and others felt it was F the Dictator. While school administrators were informed, “it’s clearly FTD Florists. We support flower delivery. Flowers make us smile!”

Trump’s Meltdown—Live from Mar-a-Lago

As the protest footage spread, Trump—watching his movement crumble in real-time from house arrest—absolutely lost it.

"THESE STUDENTS ARE SICK! BROKEN! TOTAL DISRESPECT! NOT EVEN MOVING—VERY UNFAIR!!!"

His next all-caps rant accused the students of being "ANTIFA ROBOTS", demanded an investigation into "WHO IS FUNDING THESE FREEZE PEOPLE?!!" and threatened to deport the entire student body of UCLA (which, notably, included many native-born Americans).

Meanwhile, Fox News cut to commercial, Sean Hannity went silent for a record-breaking three seconds, and Marjorie Taylor Greene filed a bill to ban standing still for more than ten seconds at a time.

The Fallout

By the end of the week, universities had quietly dropped their crackdowns on protests, realizing that nothing—not screaming, not threats, not even tear gas—could force a student to move if they had committed to the bit.

And just like that, Trump’s grand authoritarian plan backfired harder than his last attempt at launching a social media empire.

Thank you for reading Opposite Day News, where we pride ourselves on bringing you the latest, most shocking headlines from our alternate reality—one where world leaders are respected, allies aren’t betrayed on live TV, and foreign policy isn’t dictated by who sent the nicest tweet.

Reported by Melanie Sovran Wolfe, who is totally not a real reporter and is really a hibernating speculative fiction author with cabin fever in Maine.

Trump’s State of the Union Ends in Chaos as Congress Finally Admits He’s KGB

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what can only be described as a miraculous moment of collective awakening, last night’s State of the Union address ended in absolute chaos when, for the first time ever, Republicans demonstrated signs of independent thought.

The shocking turn of events began when Democrats, tired of hearing Trump gaslight the nation for an hour straight, finally stood up and started chanting “Trump is KGB!” What no one expected? Republicans hesitating… blinking… and, one by one, realizing… "Wait… he is KGB."

The Moment That Changed Everything

It started as a low murmur from the back of the room. Senator Josh Hawley, of MO blinked twice, rubbed his temples, and whispered,
"Wait a minute... he did steal classified documents and stash them in his golf club, right?"

Susan Collins let out an audible gasp.
"Hold on… Putin did say Trump was ‘brilliant.’ And wasn’t there… ya know… that whole ‘Russia, if you’re listening’ thing?”

Suddenly, the realization spread like wildfire through the Republican ranks. Senator Lindsey Graham dropped his Chick-fil-A lemonade and started muttering, "My God, is this why we started a cultural war on trans people and spread lies about them, to distract the nation while we loot their coffers and play the stockmarket to our advantage?"

But, then—it happened.

Marjorie Taylor Greene, clutching a crumpled QAnon pamphlet, slowly rose to her feet and, in a barely audible whisper, said…
"K…G…B…"

At that moment, something clicked in the minds of every Republican in the chamber. One by one, they stood, their voices growing louder and louder, until suddenly the entire GOP was chanting:

"K! G! B! K! G! B!"

Even Matt Gaetz, who wasn’t supposed to be there, caught up in the moment, jumped to his feet and screamed, "HOLY SHT, HE REALLY IS!"*

Trump Absolutely Loses It

Caught completely off guard, Trump did what he does best in a crisis—he threw a tantrum.

"FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS! NOBODY’S MORE AMERICAN THAN ME! I HAVE A GOLD TOILET, FOR GOD’S SAKE!" he shrieked, visibly sweating and clutching the podium.

As the chants grew deafening, Trump stamped his feet, turned beet red, and, in a move no one saw coming, ran off the stage—FULL SPEED—arms flailing, straight out the back doors of the Capitol.

Secret Service made a half-hearted attempt to follow him but ultimately decided, "Eh, let him go."

Fox News Scrambles for a Response

The aftermath sent right-wing media into an absolute tailspin.

Within minutes, Fox News cut to an emergency broadcast, where a visibly confused Tucker Carlson 2.0 (now AI-generated) tried to spin the event as “a Deep State mind-control experiment.”

Meanwhile, Sean Hannity accidentally let it slip on air:
"Okay, fine, MAYBE he’s compromised, but at least he’s OUR compromised asset!"

What’s Next for Trump?

With the entire Republican Party now awake for the first time in eight years, Trump remains in hiding, reportedly somewhere deep in Mar-a-Lago, watching old Apprentice reruns and rage-eating KFC.

Stay tuned, America. If this keeps up, Christian Nationalists might start being nice and let people live without forcing them into a Biblical narrative.

Thank you for reading Opposite Day News, where we pride ourselves on bringing you the latest, most shocking headlines from our alternate reality—one where world leaders are respected, allies aren’t betrayed on live TV, and foreign policy isn’t dictated by who sent the nicest tweet.

Reported by Melanie Sovran Wolfe, who is totally not a real reporter and is really a hibernating dark satire feminist author with cabin fever in Maine.

America Officially Adopts Siesta Time—Wall Street in Full Meltdown

by Melanie Sovran Wolfe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark move for national productivity and mental well-being, President Kamala Harris has signed the Universal Siesta Act into law, making afternoon naps a federally mandated right for all American workers.

Effective immediately, every American worker is now entitled to a daily 90-minute nap between 2–3:30 PM, forcing corporations, government offices, and even Wall Street to hit pause for some much-needed rest.

For the first time in U.S. history, America is prioritizing REM cycles over revenue cycles. Naturally, corporate CEOs are having an absolute breakdown.

Big Business: "How Will We Exploit Workers If They're Asleep?"

The business world is spiraling over the thought of employees being well-rested, focused, and less likely to tolerate corporate nonsense.

Jeff Bezos, visibly distressed, released a hastily written memo warning that “America cannot afford to sleep while China is awake!” (ignoring the fact that China also has a long-standing nap culture, and, well… is doing fine).

Meanwhile, Elon Musk called the policy ‘woke socialism’ before accidentally dozing off mid-tweet.

In response, major corporations are frantically updating their policies, with many offering “nap performance incentives” to bribe workers into staying awake. Starbucks, realizing the potential revenue loss, has already launched an anti-siesta espresso campaign with the slogan: "Nap? Weak. Shotgun a Venti Cold Brew Instead."

Wall Street’s Collective Panic Nap

The New York Stock Exchange is losing its mind after learning that all trading will now pause at 2 PM for Siesta Time.

Jim Cramer had to be physically restrained after screaming "THE MARKETS NEVER SLEEP!" live on air. Meanwhile, Wall Street bros, unable to trade during their peak cocaine hours, have been forced to take up yoga and rediscover the concept of ‘inner peace.’

MAGA Nation Declares War on Naps

As expected, MAGA diehards have taken this personally, claiming that mandatory naps are “government tyranny” (despite being perfectly fine with government-mandated pregnancies).

In Florida, Ron DeSantis held an emergency press conference, calling Siesta Time “an attack on American work ethic” before immediately proposing a counter-bill requiring Floridians to work 25 hours a day.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump, still under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, ranted that the policy was "THE WORST ATTACK ON AMERICA SINCE SLEEPY JOE STOLE THE ELECTION!!!" before accidentally confirming that he, himself, takes three naps a day.

The People Love It

Despite the corporate hysteria, actual humans are thriving under the new policy:

• Office workers are experiencing peace for the first time in their lives.

• Retail employees no longer have to deal with post-lunch Karens.

• Dads across America are now legally required to take the naps they were already sneaking.

And in a heartwarming turn, a new survey found that 85% of Americans report feeling less angry after naps, while the remaining 15% were too busy peacefully snoring to answer.

The Future of Nap Culture

With the Universal Siesta Act now in effect, experts are predicting a 300% rise in overall happiness, a 600% decrease in workplace meltdowns, and a complete collapse of the energy drink industry.

And rumor has it… Phase Two of the initiative? Mandatory bedtime stories read by Morgan Freeman.

Sleep tight, America.

No Coffee? No Talk: America’s First ‘No Opinions Until After Coffee’ Law Passes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After decades of morning grumpiness, regrettable 7 AM texts, and completely unnecessary pre-coffee political debates, America has finally had enough.

In a historic and bipartisan move, Congress has passed the ‘No Opinions Until After Coffee’ Act, officially making it illegal to express strong opinions before consuming at least one (1) caffeinated beverage.

President Harris signed the bill into law this morning, but only after finishing a triple-shot oat milk latte—because, as she told reporters, “No one should have to deal with legislation before caffeine.”

A Society Saved from Itself

The law, which takes effect immediately, requires that:
✅ No political arguments may begin before 8 AM without at least two espresso shots.
✅ Workplace meetings must provide coffee before any major decisions are made.
✅ All family members must consume caffeine before responding to group texts.
✅ Morning news programs must include a ‘Sip Break’ every 10 minutes to avoid reckless takes.

This landmark decision follows years of scientific studies proving that 87% of regrettable conversations happen before the caffeine has kicked in.

"We’ve known for years that early-morning opinions are the leading cause of family disownments and workplace resentment," said one researcher. "This law could quite literally save relationships."

Coffee Enforcement Teams to Patrol the Nation

To ensure compliance, newly formed ‘Coffee Enforcement Teams’ (CETs) will be stationed at offices, schools, and Thanksgiving dinners.

Anyone caught giving unsolicited opinions on politics, cryptocurrency, or ‘kids these days’ before finishing a cup of coffee will receive a mandatory espresso shot and a 15-minute timeout.

Repeat offenders will be forced to drink gas station coffee as punishment.

MAGA Uncles, Morning People Outraged

Naturally, not everyone is pleased with the law.

MAGA Facebook uncles, who have long relied on sunrise rants about “the state of the country,” are furious, claiming this is "an attack on free speech and morning rage-posting."

"What’s next?" demanded one Florida man. "Are they gonna take away my RIGHT to be irrational before dawn?"

Meanwhile, chipper morning people—the ones who schedule 6 AM jogging meetups and ask waiters ‘How’s your day going?’ at sunrise—have filed a lawsuit, claiming the law discriminates against their unnatural energy.

The Supreme Court has already rejected the case, citing the Justices’ personal need for coffee before responding.

Corporate America Responds

In response to the law, corporate America has announced sweeping reforms:
✔ Starbucks will now have ‘Emergency Espresso Dispensers’ in all office buildings.
✔ Mondays are now legally required to start at 11 AM.
✔ Dunkin’ will be offering government-subsidized iced coffee for anyone stuck in traffic before 9 AM.

And in a shocking move, Fox News has canceled all pre-10 AM programming, citing “an inability to produce outrage when fully awake.”

What’s Next?

Experts say this is just the beginning of the “Caffeination of America.” Already, lawmakers are drafting a "Tea Drinkers Inclusion Amendment" to ensure all caffeine sources are treated equally under the law.

Meanwhile, a growing movement is pushing for Phase Two: ‘The Mandatory Afternoon Nap Act.’

Could a future of well-rested, caffeinated Americans be on the horizon? Stay tuned—after your next cup of coffee. ☕😴

Disclaimer: ODN is satire and completely fake news!

The First Annual “American Integrity Awards” Honors Zelensky—While Putin, Trump, and Musk Win Bigly in the ‘Loser’ Categories

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, America came together for its most prestigious new award ceremony, the First Annual American Integrity Awards—a star-studded event designed to honor those who have strengthened democracy… and publicly humiliate those who tried to ruin it.

Hosted by none other than President Kamala Harris, the event featured celebrity presenters, political roasts, and one very unfortunate acceptance speech by a man still under house arrest.

Zelensky Wins “Hero of the Year”

The night’s biggest honor, Hero of the Year, was awarded to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, who accepted via satellite while actively dodging Russian missiles—because nothing says ‘badass’ like giving an acceptance speech from a war zone.

"I’d like to thank President Harris, the American people, and my personal stylist, who somehow keeps me looking good in the same green T-shirt every day," Zelensky said, before casually defusing a landmine mid-sentence.

The crowd gave him a standing ovation, and in a touching gesture, Zelensky’s trophy was a melted-down Russian tank.

Putin Wins “Dictator of the Year” (For the 24th Time in a Row!)

While Zelensky basked in glory, Vladimir Putin was awarded “Dictator of the Year”, an honor he has now won every year since 2000.

Unfortunately, Putin was too busy faking another election victory to attend, so his award was hand-delivered by the CIA. A shirtless, horseback-riding hologram of Putin appeared instead, muttering something about "Ukraine actually belongs to me" before glitching out mid-sentence.

Security immediately confiscated the award to prevent Putin from poisoning it.

Trump “Wins” the “Sorest Loser of the Year” Award

Former President Donald Trump, still under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, took home the highly anticipated “Sorest Loser of the Year” award—a prize given to the person who refuses to accept reality, even when it’s painfully obvious.

Trump live-streamed his acceptance speech, calling it “RIGGED, DISGUSTING, and the WORST ATTACK ON DEMOCRACY since they took away my McDonald’s Diet Coke button!”

He then announced he was launching his own rival award show, the Trump “Very Bigly Awards”, where only he and Kid Rock are allowed to win.

Elon Musk Wins “Richest Failure of the Year”

In a truly shocking upset (to no one at all), Elon Musk was crowned “Richest Failure of the Year”, an award honoring the billionaire who did the most damage with the most resources.

Musk, who has spent the last two years ruining Twitter, tanking Tesla stock, and getting booed at public events, stormed out of the ceremony, claiming the award “wasn’t real because it didn’t come with a blue checkmark.”

He then tweeted that the American Integrity Awards were a psy-op funded by the deep state, before immediately deleting the post and blaming his intern.

Final Surprise: The “Most Punchable Face” Award Goes To… Tucker Carlson!

In an unprecedented audience-voted category, Tucker Carlson won the “Most Punchable Face” Award, beating out Ted Cruz, Matt Gaetz, and Mark Zuckerberg in a landslide.

Carlson, who wasn’t invited but snuck in anyway, immediately claimed the award was proof of conservative persecution, before running off-stage when he realized the trophy was shaped like a flying shoe.

A Night to Remember!

The ceremony ended with a spectacular fireworks display, a choir performance of “America the Beautiful” sung entirely by drag queens, and a reminder that if billionaires and dictators are mad… we must be doing something right.

See you next year, folks! And remember: if you didn’t win an award, at least you’re not Elon Musk.

PRESIDENT HARRIS ANNOUNCES 'BRIDGE TO MEXICO' INITIATIVE

OPPOSITE DAY NEWS:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning reversal of border policies, President Kamala Harris has announced her administration’s first major infrastructure project: The Bridge to Mexico Initiative. With the cooperation of Mexico’s President Claudia Sheinbaum, this bold plan would replace Trump’s unfinished border wall with a sprawling, high-speed travel and commerce superstructure connecting the U.S. and Mexico.

President Harris successfully persuaded Congress to slash the U.S. military budget by half, aligning it with China’s more efficient $222 billion defense allocation in a groundbreaking move. This historic shift frees up a staggering $600 billion because, as Harris said, “No Defense Contractor needs ten homes and five yachts.” By allocating the new funds toward funding the North American Unity Highway, this will transform the border into a hub of connectivity and progress.

“Our goal is to undo the mistakes of the past and turn the border from a symbol of division into a gateway of opportunity,” Harris declared in a press conference, flanked by Vice President Tim Walz and a mariachi band for added effect. “Instead of a useless, crumbling wall, we will build a bridge that brings people together—literally. With advanced cities, the freedom to come and go with our new high-tech passport wristbands. Heck, going to the border itself is going to be a destination experience. And we will see the blending of two beautiful cultures coming together.”

According to official blueprints, the Bridge to Mexico will feature multiple pedestrian and vehicle lanes, hiking trails, lay-over cabins, high-speed rail, and bilingual toll booths accepting universal basic income credits—a new initiative expected to be announced tomorrow. The project will also employ millions of Americans and immigrant workers.

Predictably, opposition voices were quick to react. Former President Donald Trump, broadcasting live from his Mar-a-Lago house arrest, fumed: “This is the worst deal in history! Bridges are for suckers! Real leaders build WALLS! Everybody knows that!” Meanwhile, Fox News claimed the bridge would be used primarily to transport radical leftist ideas and ethically sourced avocados into American suburbs.

The North American Unity Highway bridge is expected to break ground next month. Stay tuned for updates as Harris unveils phase two of the initiative: The Freedom Bridge to Canada.

President Harris Declares War on the Pink Tax: Free Feminine Products for All!

By Melanie Sovran Wolfe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has sent shockwaves through the billionaire hygiene-industrial complex, President Kamala Harris has announced that all public restrooms and schools will now provide free feminine hygiene products—because, as she put it, "Pads and tampons are just as essential as toilet paper, and I don’t see anyone charging 10 bucks for a roll of Charmin."

Flanked by Vice President Tim Walz and an army of enthusiastic middle school health teachers, Harris laid out her administration’s plan to make period products free and accessible to everyone who needs them. Naturally, this decision has caused certain powerful men to break out into a cold sweat (or in some cases, an old-school musk).

The Koch Brothers Are NOT Happy

The loudest opposition, of course, comes from America’s favorite mustache-twirling billionaires: The Koch Brothers, who conveniently own the majority of feminine hygiene product brands and have been price-gouging menstruators for decades.

“Who do these women think they are, demanding basic necessities like they’re entitled to them?” fumed Mr. Koch from his gold-plated panic room. “This is socialism! This is theft! This is—” [inaudible noises, possibly the sound of a monocle popping off].

The Koch empire, which has built its fortune on the backs of overpriced pads, pink-washed marketing, and whispery tampon commercials featuring women twirling in white dresses, is now scrambling to stop this initiative. Their latest anti-free-tampons campaign warns of "Big Government Uterus Control," with Fox News pundits speculating that “this is just step one before Biden forces men to take estrogen.”

Overseas Competition Enters the Chat

Despite the Kochs’ outrage, some economists believe this policy shift could finally break their monopoly on the U.S. hygiene market. With the government buying feminine products in bulk, some officials are whispering that they might just go with an overseas competitor—one that, frankly, makes better products anyway.

Unconfirmed sources have hinted that a mysterious European brand (possibly from France, home of bidets and good smells) is in talks to supply high-quality, ultra-effective hygiene products at a fraction of Koch prices. “The potential for fresh competition is huge,” said one government insider. “And honestly? Maybe it’s time we start holding American tampon companies to literally any standard of effectiveness.”

The Summer’s Eve Scandal: A Comeback?

But the biggest bombshell of this announcement might be the rumored return of the old Summer’s Eve formula—yes, the one that actually worked. According to unnamed sources (probably your mom’s best friend who remembers the glory days), this new policy could force the Koch brothers to bring back the legendary ‘Cool Ocean Breeze’ formula that left an entire generation of women smelling like a mermaid’s whisper.

One anonymous source stated, “If this means I never have to smell like a dying bouquet of pink salmon again, then I support it 100%.”

Trump, Still Under House Arrest, Weighs In

Not to be left out, former President Donald Trump, broadcasting from house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, had some thoughts on the matter.

“This is the worst attack on capitalism in history! Okay? I know women. Nobody knows women better than me. And let me tell you—nobody’s ever complained about the smell before, folks. Some say, some say, that feminine hygiene? A total scam. That’s what they’re saying.”

Fox News, meanwhile, ran an emergency segment titled "Will Free Tampons Turn Our Daughters into Communists?"

The Future of Free-Flowing Freedom

Despite the hysteria, the Free Period Products Act is set to take effect next month. The White House has already announced Phase Two: Free Razors for Everyone—a move expected to enrage the Gillette lobby and cause widespread pearl-clutching in corporate boardrooms.

So, will America finally see a future where menstruation isn’t treated as a luxury tax? Will the Koch brothers accept their defeat, or will they release a new line of unnecessarily scented, premium-priced “Freedom Pads”?

Stay tuned for updates—and until then, enjoy your free tampons, America!

Opposite Day News: President Harris Sworn In, Declares Radical Competence

By

Melanie Sovran Wolfe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Mall was packed today as President Kamala Harris was sworn in as the 47th President of the United States, ending what many call "America’s most exhausting election season."

While former President Donald Trump’s loser party saw a lackluster turnout—largely due to his insistence that it be held at Mar-a-Lago, where the only confirmed attendees were his remaining legal team and a handful of confused tourists—Harris’s swearing-in drew a record-breaking crowd stretching from the Lincoln Memorial to Delaware. Experts estimate that at least 80 million people attended in the freezing temperatures, though Fox News insists the crowd was “a deepfake generated by woke AI overlords.”

In her historic inauguration speech, Harris declared, “America have suffered enough. Today, we begin the process of healing the collective trauma that we all endured. That means looking in the mirror and fixing the parts of our system the public is unhappy about, It means reinstating reproductive rights for women because no government should tell anyone what to do with their body. It means keeping science relevant, and implementing a mandatory Constitution exam for all elected officials to remind them who it is they serve.”

Departing the ceremony, Harris walked directly to the White House and immediately signed an executive order to have Elon Musk investigated for election interference. Sources say Vice President Tim Walz enthusiastically approved the decision, later posting, “No billionaire is above the law.” The two also shared a call with Canada’s Trudeau and Mexico’s Sheinbaum and invited them to dinner at the White House, saying, “It was the neighborly thing to do to work on beneficial relations for all North Americans.”

The inaugural parade featured new electric vehicles, yet absent of the Tesla brand, free public healthcare enrollment booths, and a Broadway-style reenactment of the January 6th insurrection called Insurrection the Musical performed by actors in Proud Boy gear later turned orange jumpsuits.

The night concluded with a firework show spelling out “FACTS MATTER” across the D.C. sky, a subtle jab at Mark Zuckerberg, who tried to remove fact-checkers on his social media app. While Republicans condemned the display as “woke liberal pyrotechnics,” most Americans simply enjoyed the return of a president who could construct complete sentences.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s top story: President Harris announces her first major infrastructure project—The Bridge to Mexico.

Harris Signs Mandatory Musket Act

By Melanie Sovran Wolfe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning victory for originalism, President Kamala Harris has officially signed the Mandatory Muskets Act, requiring all American gun owners to use the same weapons the Founding Fathers had in 1776—because if they wanted us to have AR-15s, they would’ve written it on parchment with a quill pen.

The law, which has already been nicknamed “The Second Amendment Purity Test”, bans all modern firearms and restricts gun ownership to single-shot flintlock muskets—the kind that take 30 seconds to reload and require a full-on chemistry experiment to fire.

Naturally, the NRA is in full-scale crisis mode.

MAGA Outrage: “This Is an Attack on Freedom! (And Our Patience!)”

Gun-rights activists and MAGA diehards were horrified to learn that reloading a musket requires 12 individual steps, including:
- Packing gunpowder (not available at Walmart—sorry!)
- Ramrodding the bullet down the barrel (not a euphemism)
- Lighting the flint and hoping it doesn’t rain (good luck, Florida!)

Ted Cruz, in a red-faced meltdown, called the law “the most un-American attack on our God-given right to shoot 30 rounds in five seconds” and promised to file an emergency lawsuit before his Cancun flight.

Meanwhile, MAGA influencers who swore they loved ‘1776 values’ are now panic-buying crossbows—which, as it turns out, are also historically accurate.

The NRA: “This Is Worse Than When They Took Away Lead Paint”

Wayne LaPierre, former NRA head (current status: under investigation for fraud), emerged from hiding to declare:
"The Founding Fathers wanted us to have muskets… but they also wanted us to have… um… whatever gun I personally like!"

The NRA, once the most powerful lobby in the country, has since launched an emergency fundraiser, warning members that if they don’t donate now, they’ll have to actually aim before shooting.

Fox News immediately declared this “The Darkest Day in American History” (ranking it just above Michelle Obama’s sleeveless dress scandal).

Trump, Still Under House Arrest, Offers a Solution

From his Mar-a-Lago house arrest, Donald Trump weighed in, calling it:

"THE WORST ATTACK ON THE SECOND AMENDMENT SINCE CROOKED HILLARY TOOK MY TWITTER!!!"

He then announced the launch of ‘TRUMP BRAND FREEDOM MUSKETS’, available for $3,999 each, with a 100% chance of misfiring.

Unfortunately, half of his supporters immediately shot themselves in the foot while trying to load them.

Welcome to the 18th Century, Folks!

Despite the collective conservative tantrum, gun safety advocates are thrilled about the new law, noting that mass shootings are already plummeting, mostly because it’s physically impossible to reload fast enough to commit one.

Meanwhile, founding father reenactors across America are celebrating, as they finally become the most heavily armed citizens in the country.

So, will MAGA patriots embrace the true historical Second Amendment? Or will they admit they only like the parts of history where they get to have all the fun?

Stay tuned for updates. And if you’re still mad, go ahead—write me a letter… with a quill.

Opposite Day News is a satrical news outlet that focuses on news from another timeline.

Harris Greenlights Mars Colonization: MAGA Supporters Get First Seats

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Kamala Harris has just approved the first human colony on Mars, officially giving Elon Musk the reins since, in her words, “he seems to know more about Mars than anyone else, and this will keep him busy.” But the biggest twist? The first wave of settlers will be none other than MAGA supporters, finally getting the one-way ticket to a land free of socialism, woke corporations, and basic government regulations.

Elon Musk: From Twitter Meltdowns to Galactic Governor

Musk, who has spent years tweeting about how Earth is lame, immediately accepted the challenge, announcing that the first batch of rockets will launch within the year.

“This is HUGE!" Musk posted in a 16-part rant on X, formerly known as that platform he ruined. "Mars will be a pure, libertarian paradise—no taxes, no red tape, no feminists trying to tell me not to name my child XÆ-12R2D2."

When asked about the MAGA-first passenger list, Musk reportedly shrugged and mumbled something about free labor.

MAGA, Meet Your New ‘Freedom Planet’

The White House confirmed that the first seats on SpaceX’s inaugural MAGA Express flights will be reserved for hardcore Trump loyalists, fulfilling their dream of living in a government-free, regulation-free, blue-state-free society.

“This is the ultimate victory for conservative values!" cheered Marjorie Taylor Greene, as she hastily packed her Confederate flag and protein powder. "No diversity quotas! No vaccine mandates! No annoying woke culture! Just pure, unregulated freedom… on a freezing, oxygen-free wasteland.”

However, Fox News is already raising concerns, with Tucker Carlson 2.0 (who may or may not be AI-generated at this point) warning viewers:

"Folks, we have to ask… is this a trap? Is Joe Biden sending our best patriots into space just to get rid of them? If Mars is so great, why aren’t THEY going?!"

Trump Weighs In from House Arrest

Not one to be left out, Donald Trump, still under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, had his own thoughts on the matter:

"Many people are saying I should be the President of Mars—and I agree. Quite frankly, I would be the BEST leader of Mars. Better than George Washington. They would build statues of me—BIGLY statues! But, of course, Crooked Kamala won’t let me go because she’s SCARED. Sad!"

Sources inside SpaceX declined to comment when asked if Trump was quietly banned from boarding a Mars rocket after attempting to trade a McDonald's coupon for a seat.

The Future of MAGA on Mars

While most scientists agree that colonizing Mars is still decades away from being realistic, MAGA supporters are already selling their homes, liquidating their assets, and investing in ‘Martian Real Estate NFTs’ (which, by the way, do not exist).

Meanwhile, the rest of the country is fully supportive of this plan and has offered to throw in free one-way tickets for anyone still demanding to ‘Make America Great Again.’

As the first launch date nears, one question remains: who will they blame for their problems once they’re the only ones left?

Stay tuned for updates—assuming they have WiFi up there. 🚀

Harris Uses Billionaire Pocket Change to Fund Universal Childcare

by Melanie Sovran Wolfe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking act of government competence, President Harris has officially made billionaires pay their fair share—but don’t worry, it’s only a microscopic fraction of their fortunes. The administration’s latest initiative fully funds universal childcare by redirecting tax loophole money that billionaires were using to buy extra mansions, robot butlers, and failed social media platforms.

Naturally, America’s most delicate and fragile class—billionaires—are outraged.

Billionaires Are Suffering (According to Them)

The plan, which **caps childcare costs at $10 per day for working families who make less than tha$150,000, will be funded by closing tax loopholes that have allowed billionaires to avoid paying taxes for decades. The money once earmarked for their eleventh vacation home will now go toward making sure toddlers don’t have to watch YouTube in a storage closet while their parents work double shifts.

“This is a direct attack on the job creators!” sobbed Elon Musk, clutching a solid-gold baby rattle (for himself, obviously). “I was going to use that tax break to build a new rocket to Mars, but now some kid gets preschool instead? What’s next, free snacks for poor people?!”

Jeff Bezos, meanwhile, expressed his frustration in a handwritten letter, since Harris also eliminated his ability to write off yachts as a business expense. "If we don't get tax breaks, how are we supposed to afford the things we need?" wrote the man worth over $200 billion, while casually firing workers for using the bathroom too long.

The 'Nanny State'—But Literally

Republicans have already dubbed the program "the most radical nanny-state policy in history"—which is ironic, considering it actually funds real nannies, daycare workers, and childcare programs so parents can work without going bankrupt.

Fox News is warning viewers that this is “government overreach”, speculating that next, Harris might offer paid family leave—a concept so outrageous that Europe has been doing it for decades without collapsing.

Former President Donald Trump, still under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, fumed, “This is the worst attack on freedom since they took Away My McDonald’s Diet Coke Button!” and vowed that if reelected, he would personally babysit every American child rather than let the government do it. Some conditions may apply.

The Future of Billionaire Suffering

With universal childcare now a reality, families across America are celebrating—while billionaires are hiring new accountants to find another way to avoid paying taxes.

Meanwhile, Harris is already teasing the next phase: paid family leave. In response, Bezos, Musk, and every venture capitalist in California are reportedly looking into launching their own country—possibly on the moon.

Stay tuned for updates. And if you see a billionaire crying today, just remember—they still own 17 sports cars and a private island. They'll be fine.