Harris Greenlights Mars Colonization: MAGA Supporters Get First Seats
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Kamala Harris has just approved the first human colony on Mars, officially giving Elon Musk the reins since, in her words, “he seems to know more about Mars than anyone else, and this will keep him busy.” But the biggest twist? The first wave of settlers will be none other than MAGA supporters, finally getting the one-way ticket to a land free of socialism, woke corporations, and basic government regulations.
Elon Musk: From Twitter Meltdowns to Galactic Governor
Musk, who has spent years tweeting about how Earth is lame, immediately accepted the challenge, announcing that the first batch of rockets will launch within the year.
“This is HUGE!" Musk posted in a 16-part rant on X, formerly known as that platform he ruined. "Mars will be a pure, libertarian paradise—no taxes, no red tape, no feminists trying to tell me not to name my child XÆ-12R2D2."
When asked about the MAGA-first passenger list, Musk reportedly shrugged and mumbled something about free labor.
MAGA, Meet Your New ‘Freedom Planet’
The White House confirmed that the first seats on SpaceX’s inaugural MAGA Express flights will be reserved for hardcore Trump loyalists, fulfilling their dream of living in a government-free, regulation-free, blue-state-free society.
“This is the ultimate victory for conservative values!" cheered Marjorie Taylor Greene, as she hastily packed her Confederate flag and protein powder. "No diversity quotas! No vaccine mandates! No annoying woke culture! Just pure, unregulated freedom… on a freezing, oxygen-free wasteland.”
However, Fox News is already raising concerns, with Tucker Carlson 2.0 (who may or may not be AI-generated at this point) warning viewers:
"Folks, we have to ask… is this a trap? Is Joe Biden sending our best patriots into space just to get rid of them? If Mars is so great, why aren’t THEY going?!"
Trump Weighs In from House Arrest
Not one to be left out, Donald Trump, still under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, had his own thoughts on the matter:
"Many people are saying I should be the President of Mars—and I agree. Quite frankly, I would be the BEST leader of Mars. Better than George Washington. They would build statues of me—BIGLY statues! But, of course, Crooked Kamala won’t let me go because she’s SCARED. Sad!"
Sources inside SpaceX declined to comment when asked if Trump was quietly banned from boarding a Mars rocket after attempting to trade a McDonald's coupon for a seat.
The Future of MAGA on Mars
While most scientists agree that colonizing Mars is still decades away from being realistic, MAGA supporters are already selling their homes, liquidating their assets, and investing in ‘Martian Real Estate NFTs’ (which, by the way, do not exist).
Meanwhile, the rest of the country is fully supportive of this plan and has offered to throw in free one-way tickets for anyone still demanding to ‘Make America Great Again.’
As the first launch date nears, one question remains: who will they blame for their problems once they’re the only ones left?
Stay tuned for updates—assuming they have WiFi up there. 🚀
