President Harris Declares War on the Pink Tax: Free Feminine Products for All!
By Melanie Sovran Wolfe
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has sent shockwaves through the billionaire hygiene-industrial complex, President Kamala Harris has announced that all public restrooms and schools will now provide free feminine hygiene products—because, as she put it, "Pads and tampons are just as essential as toilet paper, and I don’t see anyone charging 10 bucks for a roll of Charmin."
Flanked by Vice President Tim Walz and an army of enthusiastic middle school health teachers, Harris laid out her administration’s plan to make period products free and accessible to everyone who needs them. Naturally, this decision has caused certain powerful men to break out into a cold sweat (or in some cases, an old-school musk).
The Koch Brothers Are NOT Happy
The loudest opposition, of course, comes from America’s favorite mustache-twirling billionaires: The Koch Brothers, who conveniently own the majority of feminine hygiene product brands and have been price-gouging menstruators for decades.
“Who do these women think they are, demanding basic necessities like they’re entitled to them?” fumed Mr. Koch from his gold-plated panic room. “This is socialism! This is theft! This is—” [inaudible noises, possibly the sound of a monocle popping off].
The Koch empire, which has built its fortune on the backs of overpriced pads, pink-washed marketing, and whispery tampon commercials featuring women twirling in white dresses, is now scrambling to stop this initiative. Their latest anti-free-tampons campaign warns of "Big Government Uterus Control," with Fox News pundits speculating that “this is just step one before Biden forces men to take estrogen.”
Overseas Competition Enters the Chat
Despite the Kochs’ outrage, some economists believe this policy shift could finally break their monopoly on the U.S. hygiene market. With the government buying feminine products in bulk, some officials are whispering that they might just go with an overseas competitor—one that, frankly, makes better products anyway.
Unconfirmed sources have hinted that a mysterious European brand (possibly from France, home of bidets and good smells) is in talks to supply high-quality, ultra-effective hygiene products at a fraction of Koch prices. “The potential for fresh competition is huge,” said one government insider. “And honestly? Maybe it’s time we start holding American tampon companies to literally any standard of effectiveness.”
The Summer’s Eve Scandal: A Comeback?
But the biggest bombshell of this announcement might be the rumored return of the old Summer’s Eve formula—yes, the one that actually worked. According to unnamed sources (probably your mom’s best friend who remembers the glory days), this new policy could force the Koch brothers to bring back the legendary ‘Cool Ocean Breeze’ formula that left an entire generation of women smelling like a mermaid’s whisper.
One anonymous source stated, “If this means I never have to smell like a dying bouquet of pink salmon again, then I support it 100%.”
Trump, Still Under House Arrest, Weighs In
Not to be left out, former President Donald Trump, broadcasting from house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, had some thoughts on the matter.
“This is the worst attack on capitalism in history! Okay? I know women. Nobody knows women better than me. And let me tell you—nobody’s ever complained about the smell before, folks. Some say, some say, that feminine hygiene? A total scam. That’s what they’re saying.”
Fox News, meanwhile, ran an emergency segment titled "Will Free Tampons Turn Our Daughters into Communists?"
The Future of Free-Flowing Freedom
Despite the hysteria, the Free Period Products Act is set to take effect next month. The White House has already announced Phase Two: Free Razors for Everyone—a move expected to enrage the Gillette lobby and cause widespread pearl-clutching in corporate boardrooms.
So, will America finally see a future where menstruation isn’t treated as a luxury tax? Will the Koch brothers accept their defeat, or will they release a new line of unnecessarily scented, premium-priced “Freedom Pads”?
Stay tuned for updates—and until then, enjoy your free tampons, America!
