MAGA Leaders Arrested for Selling ‘Magical’ Action Figures That Promise to Own the Libs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In today’s most shocking-yet-totally-predictable scam, a gang of known political grifters—including Donald Trump, JD Vance, Elon Musk, Tulsi Gabbard, and Marjorie Taylor Greene—were arrested today for illegally selling action figures of themselves while under house arrest.
The best part? They convinced their MAGA followers that these dolls had “magical powers” capable of making all their far-right fantasies come true.
Federal agents busted the underground operation early this morning, confiscating thousands of poorly made plastic figurines, each promising to “Destroy Wokeness” and “Summon the Spirit of Reagan.”
The Scam: Buy the Doll, Save America!
According to the FBI report, the grift was simple:
For the low, low price of $999, patriots could buy an officially licensed “MAGA Avenger” action figure.
Each doll came with a special feature—which was just a QR code leading to a video of Elon Musk ranting about “free speech.”
Buyers were promised that placing the doll on their mantle would result in “woke liberals bursting into flames” and “Hunter Biden being arrested.”
Shockingly (or not), none of these things happened.
Still, millions of desperate MAGA diehards bought in.
“I put my JD Vance doll next to my Bible,” one disappointed customer told reporters, “but it didn’t lower gas prices or make my nephew stop saying pronouns. Total scam.”
Trump’s Role: The Ultimate Salesman
Even under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, Trump led the marketing effort, releasing a low-budget infomercial at 2 a.m.
"FOLKS, LISTEN, THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE THESE FIGURES! BIG GOVERNMENT IS TERRIFIED OF THEM! THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL, THEY’RE POWERFUL, AND IF YOU PUT THEM NEXT TO YOUR TV, YOU’LL NEVER SEE A TRANS COMMERCIAL AGAIN! IT’S TRUE!"
He also promised that anyone who bought all five figures would be automatically entered into a raffle to “win a dinner with Trump”—a prize that, much like his steaks, was completely fraudulent.
Elon Musk’s Doll: “The Free Speech Warrior”
Elon Musk, always looking for a new way to throw his credibility into the trash, created his own doll, promising that it would “instantly unban you from Twitter” if placed near a computer.
Unfortunately, the first batch was recalled when customers discovered the dolls just screamed ‘Actually, it’s called X now’ on repeat.
One reviewer called it “the most annoying product since Trump University.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Doll: “The Patriot Barbie”
MTG’s action figure, complete with tiny CrossFit weights and a removable tinfoil hat, claimed to have “deep state detection” abilities.
Customers were told that if they placed it near their Alexa, it would “expose government spies.”
In reality, it just played reruns of Tucker Carlson clips until the battery died.
JD Vance’s Doll: The One That Nobody Bought
In what might be the saddest part of the operation, JD Vance’s doll was the only one that didn’t sell.
Even MAGA diehards seemed confused about what he actually stood for.
“I bought the Trump one. I bought the Elon one. I even bought the Tulsi one,” said one customer. “But JD? Who the hell even is that guy?”
Sources say Vance is now considering running for office as “The MAGA Action Figure Guy” since his political career is officially over.
The Arrest: A Full-Blown FBI Raid
The operation came crashing down when FBI agents raided the secret “MAGA Toy Headquarters” (located in the basement of a failing Hobby Lobby).
Trump was tackled mid-rant, screaming, “I’M A VICTIM! THIS IS WORSE THAN JANUARY 6!”
Musk tried to flee on a Tesla Cyberquad but failed when it immediately broke down.
Marjorie Taylor Greene bit an officer and was last seen yelling about Jewish space lasers.
The entire group has been charged with wire fraud, false advertising, and—perhaps most humiliatingly—bad merchandising.
What’s Next?
With Trump and his gang behind bars, experts predict that MAGA will soon move on to the next scam.
Early reports suggest they’re already working on a new scheme—selling “Trump Blessing Water” for $499 a bottle.
Meanwhile, millions of MAGA collectors are left wondering whether their now-useless dolls will at least go up in value. Spoiler alert: They won’t.
This is Melanie Wolfe reporting to you from an isolated cabin in the woods, totally not singing ‘Red Rum, Red Rum.’
