The First Annual “American Integrity Awards” Honors Zelensky—While Putin, Trump, and Musk Win Bigly in the ‘Loser’ Categories
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, America came together for its most prestigious new award ceremony, the First Annual American Integrity Awards—a star-studded event designed to honor those who have strengthened democracy… and publicly humiliate those who tried to ruin it.
Hosted by none other than President Kamala Harris, the event featured celebrity presenters, political roasts, and one very unfortunate acceptance speech by a man still under house arrest.
Zelensky Wins “Hero of the Year”
The night’s biggest honor, Hero of the Year, was awarded to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, who accepted via satellite while actively dodging Russian missiles—because nothing says ‘badass’ like giving an acceptance speech from a war zone.
"I’d like to thank President Harris, the American people, and my personal stylist, who somehow keeps me looking good in the same green T-shirt every day," Zelensky said, before casually defusing a landmine mid-sentence.
The crowd gave him a standing ovation, and in a touching gesture, Zelensky’s trophy was a melted-down Russian tank.
Putin Wins “Dictator of the Year” (For the 24th Time in a Row!)
While Zelensky basked in glory, Vladimir Putin was awarded “Dictator of the Year”, an honor he has now won every year since 2000.
Unfortunately, Putin was too busy faking another election victory to attend, so his award was hand-delivered by the CIA. A shirtless, horseback-riding hologram of Putin appeared instead, muttering something about "Ukraine actually belongs to me" before glitching out mid-sentence.
Security immediately confiscated the award to prevent Putin from poisoning it.
Trump “Wins” the “Sorest Loser of the Year” Award
Former President Donald Trump, still under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, took home the highly anticipated “Sorest Loser of the Year” award—a prize given to the person who refuses to accept reality, even when it’s painfully obvious.
Trump live-streamed his acceptance speech, calling it “RIGGED, DISGUSTING, and the WORST ATTACK ON DEMOCRACY since they took away my McDonald’s Diet Coke button!”
He then announced he was launching his own rival award show, the Trump “Very Bigly Awards”, where only he and Kid Rock are allowed to win.
Elon Musk Wins “Richest Failure of the Year”
In a truly shocking upset (to no one at all), Elon Musk was crowned “Richest Failure of the Year”, an award honoring the billionaire who did the most damage with the most resources.
Musk, who has spent the last two years ruining Twitter, tanking Tesla stock, and getting booed at public events, stormed out of the ceremony, claiming the award “wasn’t real because it didn’t come with a blue checkmark.”
He then tweeted that the American Integrity Awards were a psy-op funded by the deep state, before immediately deleting the post and blaming his intern.
Final Surprise: The “Most Punchable Face” Award Goes To… Tucker Carlson!
In an unprecedented audience-voted category, Tucker Carlson won the “Most Punchable Face” Award, beating out Ted Cruz, Matt Gaetz, and Mark Zuckerberg in a landslide.
Carlson, who wasn’t invited but snuck in anyway, immediately claimed the award was proof of conservative persecution, before running off-stage when he realized the trophy was shaped like a flying shoe.
A Night to Remember!
The ceremony ended with a spectacular fireworks display, a choir performance of “America the Beautiful” sung entirely by drag queens, and a reminder that if billionaires and dictators are mad… we must be doing something right.
See you next year, folks! And remember: if you didn’t win an award, at least you’re not Elon Musk.
