Harris Signs Mandatory Musket Act
By Melanie Sovran Wolfe
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning victory for originalism, President Kamala Harris has officially signed the Mandatory Muskets Act, requiring all American gun owners to use the same weapons the Founding Fathers had in 1776—because if they wanted us to have AR-15s, they would’ve written it on parchment with a quill pen.
The law, which has already been nicknamed “The Second Amendment Purity Test”, bans all modern firearms and restricts gun ownership to single-shot flintlock muskets—the kind that take 30 seconds to reload and require a full-on chemistry experiment to fire.
Naturally, the NRA is in full-scale crisis mode.
MAGA Outrage: “This Is an Attack on Freedom! (And Our Patience!)”
Gun-rights activists and MAGA diehards were horrified to learn that reloading a musket requires 12 individual steps, including:
- Packing gunpowder (not available at Walmart—sorry!)
- Ramrodding the bullet down the barrel (not a euphemism)
- Lighting the flint and hoping it doesn’t rain (good luck, Florida!)
Ted Cruz, in a red-faced meltdown, called the law “the most un-American attack on our God-given right to shoot 30 rounds in five seconds” and promised to file an emergency lawsuit before his Cancun flight.
Meanwhile, MAGA influencers who swore they loved ‘1776 values’ are now panic-buying crossbows—which, as it turns out, are also historically accurate.
The NRA: “This Is Worse Than When They Took Away Lead Paint”
Wayne LaPierre, former NRA head (current status: under investigation for fraud), emerged from hiding to declare:
"The Founding Fathers wanted us to have muskets… but they also wanted us to have… um… whatever gun I personally like!"
The NRA, once the most powerful lobby in the country, has since launched an emergency fundraiser, warning members that if they don’t donate now, they’ll have to actually aim before shooting.
Fox News immediately declared this “The Darkest Day in American History” (ranking it just above Michelle Obama’s sleeveless dress scandal).
Trump, Still Under House Arrest, Offers a Solution
From his Mar-a-Lago house arrest, Donald Trump weighed in, calling it:
"THE WORST ATTACK ON THE SECOND AMENDMENT SINCE CROOKED HILLARY TOOK MY TWITTER!!!"
He then announced the launch of ‘TRUMP BRAND FREEDOM MUSKETS’, available for $3,999 each, with a 100% chance of misfiring.
Unfortunately, half of his supporters immediately shot themselves in the foot while trying to load them.
Welcome to the 18th Century, Folks!
Despite the collective conservative tantrum, gun safety advocates are thrilled about the new law, noting that mass shootings are already plummeting, mostly because it’s physically impossible to reload fast enough to commit one.
Meanwhile, founding father reenactors across America are celebrating, as they finally become the most heavily armed citizens in the country.
So, will MAGA patriots embrace the true historical Second Amendment? Or will they admit they only like the parts of history where they get to have all the fun?
Stay tuned for updates. And if you’re still mad, go ahead—write me a letter… with a quill.
Opposite Day News is a satrical news outlet that focuses on news from another timeline.
