What Happened to TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew? Did Trump’s Reptilian Overlords Beam Him Up?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Something strange is happening on TikTok. No, not another viral trend where teenagers are cooking chicken in NyQuil or storming Target to protest rainbow-colored socks. This is bigger. This is serious. The CEO of TikTok, Shou Zi Chew, has vanished from the app—and possibly from Earth itself.
Ever since Donald Trump’s Inauguration on January 20th, Chew has been suspiciously absent from TikTok’s main communications. No reassuring updates. No announcements. Just… radio silence. And guess what? He was spotted at Trump’s inauguration.
The question is: Why would Trump invite the CEO of a social media platform he has been trying to sell?
The logical explanation: Trump wanted to pressure Chew into selling TikTok.
The more likely explanation: Trump and his cronies kidnapped him.
Or—stay with me here—beamed him up to their spaceship.
The Reptilian Alien Theory—Hear Me Out
Look, we know Trump’s cabinet is full of cold-blooded creatures who thrive in the dark, hiss when cornered, and shed their political skin when it’s convenient. But could they literally be Reptilian aliens?
Think about it.
✔ Trump has been obsessed with banning TikTok. (But why? What is he hiding?)
✔ He suddenly invites the TikTok CEO to his inauguration.
✔ Afterward, Chew disappears—POOF—like Trump’s morals.
✔ Meanwhile, Trump’s allies are moving forward with a plan to seize control of TikTok.
Coincidence? Doubtful.
If Trump and his lizard-people overlords are in control of TikTok, that means they now have access to billions of human brains hooked to their algorithm. A perfect system to control what information gets out and what stays buried.
And let’s not forget…
Trump’s Plan to Loot the Planet and Return to Mars
We already know Trump is terrible at business, but what if… his real business plan isn’t even for this planet?
Picture this:
Step 1 – Take over TikTok, control the flow of information.
Step 2 – Funnel Earth’s remaining wealth to his billionaire donors.
Step 3 – Abandon ship, launch into space, and set up a new Trump-branded dystopia on Mars.
This "Avatar"-style resource heist has all the hallmarks of a Trump scheme:
✔ No real strategy.
✔ A plan to leave everyone else behind to suffer.
✔ At least one gold-plated spaceship.
Elon Musk is suspiciously quiet about all of this, which only raises more questions.
A Call to Action: Blink Twice If You Need Help
We may never know exactly what happened to Shou Zi Chew unless someone from TikTok sends us a sign.
If you’re a TikTok employee and Trump’s goons are watching you, we have a plan: Post a video. Blink twice. Tap your phone if you can hear us.
The resistance is watching.
And if we don’t act now, we might wake up one day with Trump-branded propaganda replacing our entire "For You" page.
This is Melanie Wolfe, reporting from an isolated cabin in the woods of Maine, totally not singing ‘Red Rum, Red Rum.’
