Witches Unite to Curse the Patriarchy—The Last Breath of Male Domination
by Melanie Sovran Wolfe
WORLDWIDE — In what historians will likely call "The Great Feminist Reckoning," witches from around the world gathered under the full moon to perform a ritual so powerful it could shatter the last remaining grip of patriarchy.
Armed with candles, cauldrons, and an undying thirst for revenge, these modern-day enchantresses did what generations of women have only dreamed of—they took turns staring into the eyes of pictures of Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Peter Thiel, and the entire Heritage Foundation… and cursed them.
And oh boy, did the magic work.
Elon Musk’s Transformation: Welcome to Frog Twitter
The first to feel the wrath of the witches was Elon Musk, who had spent years firing women, silencing activists, and cosplaying as an edgy teenage libertarian.
One final glare from a coven in Salem, and poof! Musk morphed into a slimy, croaking frog.
A confused Joe Rogan picked him up, assuming it was part of his next podcast guest lineup, but quickly released him after realizing the frog refused to defend crypto scams.
Twitter, meanwhile, has never been more peaceful.
Donald Trump’s Tragic, Silent, and Shriveled Fate
For Donald Trump, the curses were twofold.
First, he lost his voice completely. No more Truth Social rants, no more unhinged rallies, no more grunting into a microphone like an angry warthog in a suit.
Second—and some would say, even more poetic—his genitals shriveled up until what was once his manhood fully retracted into his body, becoming a clitoris.
Melania, upon hearing the news, poured herself a mimosa and whispered, “Finally.”
Heritage Foundation’s Nightmare: Welcome to Forced Pregnancy
The men of the Heritage Foundation, long-time architects of anti-abortion policies, suddenly found themselves on the receiving end of their own ideology.
One moment, they were busy crafting ways to police women’s bodies. The next, they were all nine months pregnant… and unable to give birth.
Now, these once-powerful conservatives wander the halls of their mansions, wailing in agony, dialing their favorite politicians to demand an end to abortion bans.
Ted Cruz reportedly told them to "just put the baby up for adoption," which only made them cry harder.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Becomes a Ken Doll—Stiff, Silent, and Useless
Marjorie Taylor Greene, who spent years ranting about the evils of feminism while lifting CrossFit weights in an empty gym, was hit with a particularly creative curse.
She turned into a Ken Barbie doll.
Now, completely stiff and unable to move, she can no longer screech about Jewish space lasers or take selfies in front of crosses she doesn’t understand.
Witches described the transformation as "aesthetic justice."
Peter Thiel: From Billionaire to Begging on the Streets
Peter Thiel, the Silicon Valley vampire who funded MAGA chaos while pretending to be a genius, suffered the cruelest fate of all.
He lost every penny.
Overnight, his bank accounts drained, his investments crumbled, and he was last seen begging for spare change outside a Whole Foods.
“This is wealth redistribution done right,” one witch declared, as she sipped organic tea and basked in the sweet smell of karmic balance.
The End of the Patriarchy… and the Beginning of Feminist Rule
As dawn broke, the witches gathered around their bubbling cauldrons, raising a toast to a world that no longer tolerates billionaire parasites and extremist misogynists.
And if the patriarchy so much as dares to rise again?
Rest assured, the witches are watching.
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