Trump’s State of the Union Ends in Chaos as Congress Finally Admits He’s KGB
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what can only be described as a miraculous moment of collective awakening, last night’s State of the Union address ended in absolute chaos when, for the first time ever, Republicans demonstrated signs of independent thought.
The shocking turn of events began when Democrats, tired of hearing Trump gaslight the nation for an hour straight, finally stood up and started chanting “Trump is KGB!” What no one expected? Republicans hesitating… blinking… and, one by one, realizing… "Wait… he is KGB."
The Moment That Changed Everything
It started as a low murmur from the back of the room. Senator Josh Hawley, of MO blinked twice, rubbed his temples, and whispered,
"Wait a minute... he did steal classified documents and stash them in his golf club, right?"
Susan Collins let out an audible gasp.
"Hold on… Putin did say Trump was ‘brilliant.’ And wasn’t there… ya know… that whole ‘Russia, if you’re listening’ thing?”
Suddenly, the realization spread like wildfire through the Republican ranks. Senator Lindsey Graham dropped his Chick-fil-A lemonade and started muttering, "My God, is this why we started a cultural war on trans people and spread lies about them, to distract the nation while we loot their coffers and play the stockmarket to our advantage?"
But, then—it happened.
Marjorie Taylor Greene, clutching a crumpled QAnon pamphlet, slowly rose to her feet and, in a barely audible whisper, said…
"K…G…B…"
At that moment, something clicked in the minds of every Republican in the chamber. One by one, they stood, their voices growing louder and louder, until suddenly the entire GOP was chanting:
"K! G! B! K! G! B!"
Even Matt Gaetz, who wasn’t supposed to be there, caught up in the moment, jumped to his feet and screamed, "HOLY SHT, HE REALLY IS!"*
Trump Absolutely Loses It
Caught completely off guard, Trump did what he does best in a crisis—he threw a tantrum.
"FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS! NOBODY’S MORE AMERICAN THAN ME! I HAVE A GOLD TOILET, FOR GOD’S SAKE!" he shrieked, visibly sweating and clutching the podium.
As the chants grew deafening, Trump stamped his feet, turned beet red, and, in a move no one saw coming, ran off the stage—FULL SPEED—arms flailing, straight out the back doors of the Capitol.
Secret Service made a half-hearted attempt to follow him but ultimately decided, "Eh, let him go."
Fox News Scrambles for a Response
The aftermath sent right-wing media into an absolute tailspin.
Within minutes, Fox News cut to an emergency broadcast, where a visibly confused Tucker Carlson 2.0 (now AI-generated) tried to spin the event as “a Deep State mind-control experiment.”
Meanwhile, Sean Hannity accidentally let it slip on air:
"Okay, fine, MAYBE he’s compromised, but at least he’s OUR compromised asset!"
What’s Next for Trump?
With the entire Republican Party now awake for the first time in eight years, Trump remains in hiding, reportedly somewhere deep in Mar-a-Lago, watching old Apprentice reruns and rage-eating KFC.
Stay tuned, America. If this keeps up, Christian Nationalists might start being nice and let people live without forcing them into a Biblical narrative.
Thank you for reading Opposite Day News, where we pride ourselves on bringing you the latest, most shocking headlines from our alternate reality—one where world leaders are respected, allies aren’t betrayed on live TV, and foreign policy isn’t dictated by who sent the nicest tweet.
Reported by Melanie Sovran Wolfe, who is totally not a real reporter and is really a hibernating dark satire feminist author with cabin fever in Maine.
