No Coffee? No Talk: America’s First ‘No Opinions Until After Coffee’ Law Passes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After decades of morning grumpiness, regrettable 7 AM texts, and completely unnecessary pre-coffee political debates, America has finally had enough.
In a historic and bipartisan move, Congress has passed the ‘No Opinions Until After Coffee’ Act, officially making it illegal to express strong opinions before consuming at least one (1) caffeinated beverage.
President Harris signed the bill into law this morning, but only after finishing a triple-shot oat milk latte—because, as she told reporters, “No one should have to deal with legislation before caffeine.”
A Society Saved from Itself
The law, which takes effect immediately, requires that:
✅ No political arguments may begin before 8 AM without at least two espresso shots.
✅ Workplace meetings must provide coffee before any major decisions are made.
✅ All family members must consume caffeine before responding to group texts.
✅ Morning news programs must include a ‘Sip Break’ every 10 minutes to avoid reckless takes.
This landmark decision follows years of scientific studies proving that 87% of regrettable conversations happen before the caffeine has kicked in.
"We’ve known for years that early-morning opinions are the leading cause of family disownments and workplace resentment," said one researcher. "This law could quite literally save relationships."
Coffee Enforcement Teams to Patrol the Nation
To ensure compliance, newly formed ‘Coffee Enforcement Teams’ (CETs) will be stationed at offices, schools, and Thanksgiving dinners.
Anyone caught giving unsolicited opinions on politics, cryptocurrency, or ‘kids these days’ before finishing a cup of coffee will receive a mandatory espresso shot and a 15-minute timeout.
Repeat offenders will be forced to drink gas station coffee as punishment.
MAGA Uncles, Morning People Outraged
Naturally, not everyone is pleased with the law.
MAGA Facebook uncles, who have long relied on sunrise rants about “the state of the country,” are furious, claiming this is "an attack on free speech and morning rage-posting."
"What’s next?" demanded one Florida man. "Are they gonna take away my RIGHT to be irrational before dawn?"
Meanwhile, chipper morning people—the ones who schedule 6 AM jogging meetups and ask waiters ‘How’s your day going?’ at sunrise—have filed a lawsuit, claiming the law discriminates against their unnatural energy.
The Supreme Court has already rejected the case, citing the Justices’ personal need for coffee before responding.
Corporate America Responds
In response to the law, corporate America has announced sweeping reforms:
✔ Starbucks will now have ‘Emergency Espresso Dispensers’ in all office buildings.
✔ Mondays are now legally required to start at 11 AM.
✔ Dunkin’ will be offering government-subsidized iced coffee for anyone stuck in traffic before 9 AM.
And in a shocking move, Fox News has canceled all pre-10 AM programming, citing “an inability to produce outrage when fully awake.”
What’s Next?
Experts say this is just the beginning of the “Caffeination of America.” Already, lawmakers are drafting a "Tea Drinkers Inclusion Amendment" to ensure all caffeine sources are treated equally under the law.
Meanwhile, a growing movement is pushing for Phase Two: ‘The Mandatory Afternoon Nap Act.’
Could a future of well-rested, caffeinated Americans be on the horizon? Stay tuned—after your next cup of coffee. ☕😴
Disclaimer: ODN is satire and completely fake news!
