America Officially Adopts Siesta Time—Wall Street in Full Meltdown
by Melanie Sovran Wolfe
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark move for national productivity and mental well-being, President Kamala Harris has signed the Universal Siesta Act into law, making afternoon naps a federally mandated right for all American workers.
Effective immediately, every American worker is now entitled to a daily 90-minute nap between 2–3:30 PM, forcing corporations, government offices, and even Wall Street to hit pause for some much-needed rest.
For the first time in U.S. history, America is prioritizing REM cycles over revenue cycles. Naturally, corporate CEOs are having an absolute breakdown.
Big Business: "How Will We Exploit Workers If They're Asleep?"
The business world is spiraling over the thought of employees being well-rested, focused, and less likely to tolerate corporate nonsense.
Jeff Bezos, visibly distressed, released a hastily written memo warning that “America cannot afford to sleep while China is awake!” (ignoring the fact that China also has a long-standing nap culture, and, well… is doing fine).
Meanwhile, Elon Musk called the policy ‘woke socialism’ before accidentally dozing off mid-tweet.
In response, major corporations are frantically updating their policies, with many offering “nap performance incentives” to bribe workers into staying awake. Starbucks, realizing the potential revenue loss, has already launched an anti-siesta espresso campaign with the slogan: "Nap? Weak. Shotgun a Venti Cold Brew Instead."
Wall Street’s Collective Panic Nap
The New York Stock Exchange is losing its mind after learning that all trading will now pause at 2 PM for Siesta Time.
Jim Cramer had to be physically restrained after screaming "THE MARKETS NEVER SLEEP!" live on air. Meanwhile, Wall Street bros, unable to trade during their peak cocaine hours, have been forced to take up yoga and rediscover the concept of ‘inner peace.’
MAGA Nation Declares War on Naps
As expected, MAGA diehards have taken this personally, claiming that mandatory naps are “government tyranny” (despite being perfectly fine with government-mandated pregnancies).
In Florida, Ron DeSantis held an emergency press conference, calling Siesta Time “an attack on American work ethic” before immediately proposing a counter-bill requiring Floridians to work 25 hours a day.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump, still under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, ranted that the policy was "THE WORST ATTACK ON AMERICA SINCE SLEEPY JOE STOLE THE ELECTION!!!" before accidentally confirming that he, himself, takes three naps a day.
The People Love It
Despite the corporate hysteria, actual humans are thriving under the new policy:
Office workers are experiencing peace for the first time in their lives.
Retail employees no longer have to deal with post-lunch Karens.
Dads across America are now legally required to take the naps they were already sneaking.
And in a heartwarming turn, a new survey found that 85% of Americans report feeling less angry after naps, while the remaining 15% were too busy peacefully snoring to answer.
The Future of Nap Culture
With the Universal Siesta Act now in effect, experts are predicting a 300% rise in overall happiness, a 600% decrease in workplace meltdowns, and a complete collapse of the energy drink industry.
And rumor has it… Phase Two of the initiative? Mandatory bedtime stories read by Morgan Freeman.
Sleep tight, America.
