Mike Johnson REBUKED! Turns Out He’s Been Harvesting Spines in a Secret Capitol Dungeon

By Melanie Sovran Wolfe, reporting from an undisclosed prayer circle in the catacombs of Congress.

Yes, Greg Steube—the guy best known for confusing constitutional law with the lyrics of a Kid Rock song—finally had enough. He called Johnson a “fraud,” a “liar,” and said he had “betrayed MAGA. Just before rebuking him in the name of Jesus.” And just when you thought the GOP civil war couldn’t get dumber, it gets... darker.

Sources close to the situation (okay, probably an intern with night vision goggles and a TikTok) say Steube made his shocking declaration after discovering Mike Johnson’s secret underground dungeon—a hidden chamber below the Capitol allegedly used for “prayer” but actually filled with... spineless Republican lawmakers hooked up to IV drips.

No, seriously.

According to Steube, Johnson has been draining the metaphorical—and possibly literal—backbones of fellow Republicans. One drop at a time. The blood is then replaced with a thick goo labeled "Project 2025."

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene AKA Battle Axe Marge was reportedly seen crouched in the corner of the chamber, licking the Constitution and whispering, “It tastes so good. Can I eat it, please, Mike, please?”

Sources say Johnson stood over the IVs, chanting, “Project 2025… Project 2025…” while pouring Chick-fil-A sauce over a burning copy of The Federalist Papers.

And honestly, it explains a lot.

It explains why Republicans—who used to cosplay as “small government, personal freedom” guys—are now trying to shove theocracy down America’s throat like it’s a communion wafer wrapped in barbed wire.

It explains why they’re backing Project 2025, a 900-page manifesto that reads like “Mein Kampf for Middle Managers” and includes abolishing public education, gutting civil rights, and replacing the entire federal workforce with Hobby Lobby employees.

And it especially explains why no one in the Republican party can stand upright anymore—they’re literally out of spine.

As one anonymous GOP staffer put it:

“At first we thought Mike Johnson was just another weak speaker. But now we think he’s the one making them weak.”

So yes, dear reader, Mike Johnson isn’t spineless. He’s harvesting spines.

He’s not a puppet. He’s the puppeteer.

He’s not praying with his son about porn—he’s performing midnight blood rituals over a MAGA hat made of tanned Constitution leather.

In a final twist, Steube claims Johnson offered him a deal in the dungeon:
“You can have your committee seat back… or I can show you where we keep Mitt Romney.”

Steube fled, screaming, and then did the only thing Florida men know how to do—he called Newsmax.

Meanwhile, House Republicans are still deciding whether Johnson should remain Speaker. One anonymous Freedom Caucus member was quoted saying,

“We’re waiting to see how the bloodletting plays out.”

Which is totally normal behavior in a party that claims to love Jesus, liberty, and spine-fluid extractions under torchlight.

This has been Opposite Day News, where satire rocks and democracy is under attack.

I’m Melanie Sovran Wolfe, lighting a candle for Mitt Romney, wherever he is.