President Harris Announces Deportation of MAGA to Russia—ICE Begins Rounding Them Up
by Melanie Sovran Wolfe
Hi, welcome to news you wish was true. In today’s top story, newly sworn in President Harris has officially signed the “America MAGA to Russia” Act, clearing the way for all hardcore MAGA loyalists to be deported to their true homeland—Vladimir Putin’s Russia.
It’s a win-win situation, really. After years of MAGA supporters waving Russian AKA Trump flags, praising authoritarian rule, and insisting that democracy is overrated, they will finally get to experience the joys of living in a country where their values are fully embraced.
ICE has already begun rounding up key figures for their flights to Moscow, including Donald Trump, his entire cabinet, every MAGA Congress member, and—of course—Elon Musk, since he refuses to stop tweeting he's saving Americans millions of dollars.
A Warm Russian Welcome Awaits
The deportation process is moving quickly, with former MAGA diehards being escorted onto “Freedom Flights” (which, ironically, is the last bit of freedom they’ll experience).
Once in Russia, they’ll finally get to live the life they’ve been advocating for:
Zero elections to steal (because Putin just wins automatically).
Government-controlled media, where only approved propaganda is allowed.
Widespread internet bans, so they can’t post unhinged rants anymore.
One MAGA protester, kicking and screaming while being loaded onto a plane, was overheard shouting: "But I thought WE were the ones who were supposed to deport people!"
Sorry, buddy—turns out, fascism isn’t as fun when you’re on the receiving end.
Trump’s Final Rant Before Being Escorted Off U.S. Soil
Donald Trump, who had to be dragged out of Mar-a-Lago in his bathrobe, delivered a final all-caps rant, insisting that Putin had promised him a “special deal” if he ever had to flee the U.S.
"THIS IS ILLEGAL! THIS IS A WITCH HUNT! BUT I LOVE PUTIN, GREAT GUY, SAID I COULD HAVE A BIG, BEAUTIFUL PALACE! BIGGEST IN RUSSIA! NOBODY’S EVER SEEN A PALACE THIS BIG! SAD FOR AMERICA BUT GREAT FOR ME!"
Shortly after arrival, Trump tried to launch "Truth Social Russia" but was immediately arrested for disrespecting Putin by standing too close to him.
MAGA Congress Members Face Reality
Meanwhile, MAGA politicians like Marjorie Taylor Greene, Josh Hawley, and Jim Jordan, upon realizing that Russia has no billionaire-backed donor network to fund their careers, tried to make a last-minute U-turn and beg to stay in the U.S.
Greene sobbed. "Please, we were just kidding about the whole 'democracy is bad' thing!"
While Lindsey Graham, realizing he wouldn't be allowed to even be in the closet, said, "This is a terrible mistake. I have dementia. I didn't know what I was doing." Unfortunately, ICE agents aren’t known for their sense of humor.
Musk Realizes He Made a Huge Mistake
Elon Musk, who voluntarily boarded the plane, thinking he’d be welcomed as a tech genius, was immediately drafted into the Russian military upon arrival.
"Wait, wait, I thought I was gonna get a tax break!" he whined as Russian officials handed him a rifle.
And Just Like That… America Breathes a Little Easier
With MAGA finally deported to their utopian dictatorship, America has seen instant improvements: No more bizarre conspiracy theories in Congress. A 90% drop in Facebook political rants from people who never took a civics class. Zero Trump Taliban flags flying from pickup trucks.
And the marginalized can live in peace and without fear as America goes through a collective therapy and heals.
It turns out, when you export the chaos to where it actually belongs, things get a whole lot quieter.
