Harris Uses Billionaire Pocket Change to Fund Universal Childcare
by Melanie Sovran Wolfe
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking act of government competence, President Harris has officially made billionaires pay their fair share—but don’t worry, it’s only a microscopic fraction of their fortunes. The administration’s latest initiative fully funds universal childcare by redirecting tax loophole money that billionaires were using to buy extra mansions, robot butlers, and failed social media platforms.
Naturally, America’s most delicate and fragile class—billionaires—are outraged.
Billionaires Are Suffering (According to Them)
The plan, which **caps childcare costs at $10 per day for working families who make less than tha$150,000, will be funded by closing tax loopholes that have allowed billionaires to avoid paying taxes for decades. The money once earmarked for their eleventh vacation home will now go toward making sure toddlers don’t have to watch YouTube in a storage closet while their parents work double shifts.
“This is a direct attack on the job creators!” sobbed Elon Musk, clutching a solid-gold baby rattle (for himself, obviously). “I was going to use that tax break to build a new rocket to Mars, but now some kid gets preschool instead? What’s next, free snacks for poor people?!”
Jeff Bezos, meanwhile, expressed his frustration in a handwritten letter, since Harris also eliminated his ability to write off yachts as a business expense. "If we don't get tax breaks, how are we supposed to afford the things we need?" wrote the man worth over $200 billion, while casually firing workers for using the bathroom too long.
The 'Nanny State'—But Literally
Republicans have already dubbed the program "the most radical nanny-state policy in history"—which is ironic, considering it actually funds real nannies, daycare workers, and childcare programs so parents can work without going bankrupt.
Fox News is warning viewers that this is “government overreach”, speculating that next, Harris might offer paid family leave—a concept so outrageous that Europe has been doing it for decades without collapsing.
Former President Donald Trump, still under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago, fumed, “This is the worst attack on freedom since they took Away My McDonald’s Diet Coke Button!” and vowed that if reelected, he would personally babysit every American child rather than let the government do it. Some conditions may apply.
The Future of Billionaire Suffering
With universal childcare now a reality, families across America are celebrating—while billionaires are hiring new accountants to find another way to avoid paying taxes.
Meanwhile, Harris is already teasing the next phase: paid family leave. In response, Bezos, Musk, and every venture capitalist in California are reportedly looking into launching their own country—possibly on the moon.
Stay tuned for updates. And if you see a billionaire crying today, just remember—they still own 17 sports cars and a private island. They'll be fine.
